Grief

I don't know what I expected.  But the grief is overwhelming at times.  I don't grieve for Darren, in fact I'm very jealous of him, he's in Heaven rocking it with Jesus, no worries, no pain.  We are left here to grieve what was and what will not be.
I grieve for my sister.  The overwhelming sadness she faces as she tackles all the jobs Darren did.  All the things you take for granted that your spouse does.  The simple things like taking out the garbage and making sure the garbage cans get put back.  Fixing the plugged garberator, somehow Darren could always get it unplugged and working with no problem.

I grieve for my sister, she is empty right now.  I grieve for my relationship with her, I miss her.  I miss the phone calls back and forth everyday, my house is so quiet now with out her calling.
Most days I'm okay, but this weekend was extremely difficult for me.  I wanted to spend it in bed crying.  The grief was to much.  I dreaded going to church.  I didn't want to face the condolences.  I appreciate that people are sad for us.  But there are no words to say, there really isn't.  This completely and totally sucks. 
I can't explain how terrible it is for my sister to be without the love of her life, her husband, her best friend, the father to her kids.  For the kids to be without their dad, there are no words.
My thoughts are consumed with my sister and family.  My dreams are reruns of what I think happened at the accident.  Each day my primary thoughts are of my sister and her family and what they are dealing with.  My head feels like a fog.  Trying to think of what to feed my kids at times is so difficult, trying to accomplish things around my own house at times seems insurmountable. 

I'm so grateful for the friends who have dropped off meals, not just dinner, but things for breakfast also.  It has been so helpful as at times my brain just really isn't working well.  All this is from grief.  I just didn't expect it to be like this.
I spend a lot of time in prayer.  I don't expect to understand the why's.  I'm praying for peace and comfort.  I'm praying for a clear mind, for a way to deal with the grief and sadness.  I pray for strength for all of us.  I pray for my sister and the kids.  I pray thanksgiving for my husband.  I thank God for the 20 years that we did have with Darren.  I praise God for the changes and work he did in Darren to make him a better husband and father.   Overall I pray that we all learn to live and function and to continue to love each other.

This blog my be all over the place.  It may not make sense.  It by no means is to elicit pity.  It is to try to explain the grief.
The pictures are from Darren's funeral.  His memorial table and each of his kids.