Friday, September 9, 2011

On the Sidelines

It drives me crazy when my boy asks me the same question over and over.  I get frustrated and angry.  I gave my answer, but yet, he's not satisifed.  I know he doesn't like the answer, it's not what he wanted.  But he has to live with it.  It's very rare if I change my mind after I've given an answer.  Yet, he will ask and ask and ask.  Resorting to tears of anger and frustration.  Not understanding my answer when he clearly thinks he has the correct answer.
I feel like my son right now.  I keep asking God why, I know full well I won't get the answer, not yet, Darren will not come back.  Yet, each night as I lay down, the overwhelming feelings that I have been able to set a bit to the side of my day to day doing come back with a vengence.  I cry tears of anger, tears of frustration and tears of ultimate sadness that I have never had to experience before.  Going to bed is not something I look forward to.  My mind finally has nothing in front of it to occupy it, so my thoughts that have all day been lingering on the sadness of loss, no longer linger on the sidelines.  They are the main event.  The sadness takes center stage.  Sleep it does not come easy and when sleep comes, the dreams come with it.  Often they are centered around sadness or the accident.
I am constantly tired.  I am emotionally drained.  I am mostly sad.   I am not even center stage to this event of death and grief, I am directly on the sidelines.  My sister and kids are center stage.  So if this is how I am feeling, my brain can not comprehend what they are feeling.  My daily dealings are hard to manage, my sister I can see why things are how they are right now at her house.
I can't see the script, I don't know when the show ends.  It will be a life long journey, this I know.  I try to remind myself of the years we had with Darren, of the good.  It's hard.
I have a picture of Darren on my fridge, yesterday when I looked at it, I had piercing anger.  Anger I have never felt, it was instant and it was hot.  Why did my sister have to go thru so many years of crap to achieve the goodness and then it's gone.  I was so incredibly angry at Darren.  I know my anger is not justified.  He didn't choose to die.  I can certainly see how God has things in place for my family to be able to step in for my sister in areas that needed.  Not that, that makes me any less angry. 
I try to live my daily life.  I call my oldest sister to chat, and find out she is dealing with all the same things as I am.  It's nice to know we can talk to each other, share grief.  It doesn't make it easier, but it does let me know I'm normal for my feelings.
This is where we are right now.  trying to live a life that is consumed by grief, sadness and looking for the joy and peace.


  1. I can think of no words to offer comfort. I am proud of your courage and I thank you for sharing as vulnerably as you do.
    Much love, R

  2. I cant imagine, but I am learning so much about God from your family right now Tara..big hugs.