What do you do to remember?

As we were eating breakfast this morning.  My son asked me a hard question.  Out of no where.  We had not discussed this topic for a few days, so I was very surprised.
"Mom, how do you remember Uncle Darren died?"
WOW
I told him I am still so sad so I always remember that Uncle Darren has died.
I then asked my son how he remembers.
"Sometimes I have tears in eyes at night when I sleep."
My brother in laws death, 8 months later still deeply effects us all.  Proof of this from my almost 5 year old.
Then he asked me why Uncle Darren had to ride his motorcycle and why was it Uncle Darren who died and not one of his friends.
I was in tears by this point, but the questions were easier to answer.
To be honest, these have been some of the easier questions from my boy.  He's so curious and sensitive.  He's told me many time he wants to visit Uncle Darren in Heaven.  Or asked if Uncle Darren will be protecting him at night when I pray for God's angels to stand guard.
I think it's time to visit Uncle Darren's grave with the kids.  They have not been yet.  But they asked.
Keep praying for our family as we are still deep in grief and trying to understand how our family functions with an important member missing.

7 months

I still clearly remember getting the text while camping 5 hours away; telling me to call my sister's house, that Darren is dead.  It really feels like yesterday that it happened.  Has 7 months really passed.  I was pondering the fact that 7 months seems like a long time.  But really it's only a drop in the bucket compared to the over 20 years we had Darren in our lives.  He was really a true brother to me.  Brother in Law does not give him the credit he deserves for how he stepped up to help and protect me.
I still cry myself to sleep some nights over the grief.  The magnitude of Darren's death is massive.  He left a large hole.  I sometimes still need to take melatonin to help me sleep because the grief keeps me awake.
I still think he's going to show up with his cocky grin and some smart ass comment.  I can clearly picture exactly how he would look.   I don't have pictures up of Darren, they make me to angry.  I know there is no point in being angry at him.  It wasn't his fault.  But the enormity of the situation and the sadness, grief and the never going to happens; that makes me angry.
I'm angry that my sister has to grieve her husband, that my nieces and nephew have to grieve their dad.  I'm angry with all my sister needs to do and accomplish with out a husband.
The grief is always with me.  I hide it well, but it's there.  I'll cry for what seems like no reason.  But it's grief.  If you're my friend, you likely don't know the sadness that sits with me all day, each day.  I hide it.  I have a feeling people forget and frankly are tired of knowing the grief we feel.  I get that it's hard to know how to act or what to say.  There is nothing to say in all reality, nothing makes it better.  So I might as well keep it hidden until my mind goes out on it's own and brings me into the grief again.
If this is where I am at, can you imagine how my sister feels.  She makes it thru it each day, I have no clue how.  She is so strong.  I'm sure she feels lost most of the time.  She just prefers to not discuss it to much at this point.  It hurts to much.  People ask what they can do for her.  I really don't know what to say.  She can always use a meal.  She is emotionally and physically exhausted at the end of the day so I imagine it's hard to get a meal on the table.  I think just even to let her know you are thinking about her and you know it's hard.  A note of encouragement, flowers.  Anything practical you can think of.
And we keep wading thru the grief, praying the journey will make sense at some point.

We all need Grace

I've been married for barely over 8 years now of my 36 years.  I'm still in the baby stages compared to some people of marriage.  This has been some of the hardest 8 years I have ever had.  Just when you think you have it figured out, the rules change.  There is no reason why, things happen and the old rule book is tossed out the window.
My husband and I will both tell you it's by the grace of God that we stayed married our first year.  There were many times when we both wanted to leave the other.  It was tough.  That adjustment.  Let's be honest, it's still tough, and then you throw kids into the mix.  It's hard.   I find people are mostly understanding that marriage is a lifetime of learning and understanding the other person in your life.
People often give grace for circumstances.  And we make allowances for people because we know they are in a new learning curve.  It could be marriage, kids, a new job, a diagnosis to deal with.
I am finding however, the grace period for losing the love of your life, your children's father, the person you planned your life with, is different.  I think it's because maybe it scares people.  They don't want to be confronted with one of their worst fears.  They want the person to just 'get over it' and 'move on'. They do not what to be reminded it could happen to them.  They just want to ignore it, maybe then it's not true.
My sister was married for 20 years and 18 days until her husband was tragically killed in an accident.
There is not one person on earth, other then my sister, who can ever know how hard she fought for her marriage.  She went through so much in her marriage.  She is honestly one of the strongest people I know.  And being her sister I know a lot of what she went thru for her marriage.  I'm not sure too many have fought that hard.
She married young, 18, had a baby at 19 and married someone who still wanted to party and not raise a family.  But she fought and fought hard.  Their house burnt down on a canada day, while they were camping.  She was pregnant, very pregnant, in fact she had her baby 11 days later....with NOTHING, really NOTHING, they lost everything in the fire and they had to endure being accused of arranging it.  And still they fought on.  They had to endure so much in their marriage, not any more or less then others.  But it was a lot and people were often amazed to hear they were still married, knowing part of their history.  Most that is not worth digging up on the blog.
After working so hard for 20 years in her marriage, it was suddenly and so unexpectedly gone.  No warning.  My sister came home from grocery shopping for a pool party that her husband had just talked to her about having the next day not even 4 hours earlier to find the police waiting for her.
Everyone's worst nightmare come true for her.
So after fighting for her marriage for 20 years, not even 5 months after Darren's tragic death and people are accusing her of not moving on.  Asking why she's not back at work.  These people have not had to deal with a death I think.   She is still trying to finish off Darren's business.  Almost everyday she gets a phone call where she has to again tell someone again that Darren died and to hear their condolences.  She has to talk to the coroner and again explain who she is and find out why the autopsy report is not done.  Almost 5 months later and things are still not 'wrapped up'.
She was married more of her life then she wasn't.   And in 5 months she is supposed to have forgotten that and be able to move on without grief in her ever step.  When everything she has to do or look at is from her life with Darren.    Why hasn't she moved on...think about it.  Extend some grace.  She has lost something she spent 20 years fighting for.
I'd like to see how easy it would be for you to 'move on' and 'get over it'.
I think we can all extend a little more grace.