Wednesday, January 11, 2012

We all need Grace

I've been married for barely over 8 years now of my 36 years.  I'm still in the baby stages compared to some people of marriage.  This has been some of the hardest 8 years I have ever had.  Just when you think you have it figured out, the rules change.  There is no reason why, things happen and the old rule book is tossed out the window.
My husband and I will both tell you it's by the grace of God that we stayed married our first year.  There were many times when we both wanted to leave the other.  It was tough.  That adjustment.  Let's be honest, it's still tough, and then you throw kids into the mix.  It's hard.   I find people are mostly understanding that marriage is a lifetime of learning and understanding the other person in your life.
People often give grace for circumstances.  And we make allowances for people because we know they are in a new learning curve.  It could be marriage, kids, a new job, a diagnosis to deal with.
I am finding however, the grace period for losing the love of your life, your children's father, the person you planned your life with, is different.  I think it's because maybe it scares people.  They don't want to be confronted with one of their worst fears.  They want the person to just 'get over it' and 'move on'. They do not what to be reminded it could happen to them.  They just want to ignore it, maybe then it's not true.
My sister was married for 20 years and 18 days until her husband was tragically killed in an accident.
There is not one person on earth, other then my sister, who can ever know how hard she fought for her marriage.  She went through so much in her marriage.  She is honestly one of the strongest people I know.  And being her sister I know a lot of what she went thru for her marriage.  I'm not sure too many have fought that hard.
She married young, 18, had a baby at 19 and married someone who still wanted to party and not raise a family.  But she fought and fought hard.  Their house burnt down on a canada day, while they were camping.  She was pregnant, very pregnant, in fact she had her baby 11 days later....with NOTHING, really NOTHING, they lost everything in the fire and they had to endure being accused of arranging it.  And still they fought on.  They had to endure so much in their marriage, not any more or less then others.  But it was a lot and people were often amazed to hear they were still married, knowing part of their history.  Most that is not worth digging up on the blog.
After working so hard for 20 years in her marriage, it was suddenly and so unexpectedly gone.  No warning.  My sister came home from grocery shopping for a pool party that her husband had just talked to her about having the next day not even 4 hours earlier to find the police waiting for her.
Everyone's worst nightmare come true for her.
So after fighting for her marriage for 20 years, not even 5 months after Darren's tragic death and people are accusing her of not moving on.  Asking why she's not back at work.  These people have not had to deal with a death I think.   She is still trying to finish off Darren's business.  Almost everyday she gets a phone call where she has to again tell someone again that Darren died and to hear their condolences.  She has to talk to the coroner and again explain who she is and find out why the autopsy report is not done.  Almost 5 months later and things are still not 'wrapped up'.
She was married more of her life then she wasn't.   And in 5 months she is supposed to have forgotten that and be able to move on without grief in her ever step.  When everything she has to do or look at is from her life with Darren.    Why hasn't she moved on...think about it.  Extend some grace.  She has lost something she spent 20 years fighting for.
I'd like to see how easy it would be for you to 'move on' and 'get over it'.
I think we can all extend a little more grace.


  1. Oh wow! This just breaks my heart! I'm sorry that on top of the unbearable sadness, she now has to deal with people ignorance too?! Some people take years to get over the loss of a pet. 'Moving on' will happen...cause the days keep coming. But the family will never be 'over it'...ever. Praying for peace, wisdom and grace...for each and everyone of us. Thanks Tara!!

  2. Beautifully written! You are so right! Marriage is hard and takes a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice! And what your sister is having to endure is so completely and utterly tragic!! Praying for you all!!!