I still clearly remember getting the text while camping 5 hours away; telling me to call my sister's house, that Darren is dead. It really feels like yesterday that it happened. Has 7 months really passed. I was pondering the fact that 7 months seems like a long time. But really it's only a drop in the bucket compared to the over 20 years we had Darren in our lives. He was really a true brother to me. Brother in Law does not give him the credit he deserves for how he stepped up to help and protect me.
I still cry myself to sleep some nights over the grief. The magnitude of Darren's death is massive. He left a large hole. I sometimes still need to take melatonin to help me sleep because the grief keeps me awake.
I still think he's going to show up with his cocky grin and some smart ass comment. I can clearly picture exactly how he would look. I don't have pictures up of Darren, they make me to angry. I know there is no point in being angry at him. It wasn't his fault. But the enormity of the situation and the sadness, grief and the never going to happens; that makes me angry.
I'm angry that my sister has to grieve her husband, that my nieces and nephew have to grieve their dad. I'm angry with all my sister needs to do and accomplish with out a husband.
The grief is always with me. I hide it well, but it's there. I'll cry for what seems like no reason. But it's grief. If you're my friend, you likely don't know the sadness that sits with me all day, each day. I hide it. I have a feeling people forget and frankly are tired of knowing the grief we feel. I get that it's hard to know how to act or what to say. There is nothing to say in all reality, nothing makes it better. So I might as well keep it hidden until my mind goes out on it's own and brings me into the grief again.
If this is where I am at, can you imagine how my sister feels. She makes it thru it each day, I have no clue how. She is so strong. I'm sure she feels lost most of the time. She just prefers to not discuss it to much at this point. It hurts to much. People ask what they can do for her. I really don't know what to say. She can always use a meal. She is emotionally and physically exhausted at the end of the day so I imagine it's hard to get a meal on the table. I think just even to let her know you are thinking about her and you know it's hard. A note of encouragement, flowers. Anything practical you can think of.
And we keep wading thru the grief, praying the journey will make sense at some point.
Light & Runny Strawberry Jam
15 hours ago