Thursday, October 14, 2010

So, ah, how ARE you doing?

This is often asked quietly on the side. I'm not ashamed. However I often don't know how to answer. My answer can change at anytime, or do I just do what is culturally accepted and say I'm fine.
Do you really want to know? I'm doing well. Considering the darkness that I was in and have climbed out of. I'm doing very well.

Depression takes no prisoners. Depression doesn't care if you are independent. Depression is a chemical imbalance. Feeling sorry for yourself that you have Depression, doesn't help healing.

I've had post partum depression and have been on medication for about 15 months. I say, about, as I can't actually remember exactly when I went on it. I'm not sure if it's still considered post partum seeing as my daughter is 19 months.

I have discovered in my journey, that depression and motherhood are all to similar. Motherhood and depression can feel the same. Often I have to stop myself and consider how I'm feeling. I have to break it down and really determine exactly how I am feeling.

If, in the end, I feel like I wish with all my might I could curl up in a corner and stop existing, then I know it's depression. If I feel sad, overwhelmed and I just can't manage, it's just a long day or two of being a mom.

I believe each person with depression is different with where they are at and how they can determine their moods and know where they are at. It takes time for your head to be clear enough to be able to tell the difference and determine where you are at. And to be able to do something about it.

The last 15ish months. Some of the hardest I've ever lived - but yet I have learned the most about myself. It has tested our marriage and made us stronger, together, at the same time. I have learned to accept and ask for help. I am learning to accept myself, how I am and who I am. I am wonderfully and lovingly made by my Creator.

Depression is not a bad thing. It's a reality that many people deal with on a daily basis. It's the unspoken, hush hush, I have a mental illness - stigma.

Sadly society had made it feel like you should be ashamed of it. But society lies to us about a lot of things and often causes us to feel guilty or that we don't measure up. You caught that I said that's a lie right??

Listen, the point of me sharing my innermost here...don't be ashamed. Ask for help, seek others to talk with. But most importantly don't dismiss your feelings and thoughts. If you think you might be suffering with depression, mild or more. Seek help from your Doctor. Be your own advocate, don't let them brush you off.

I can say with 100% certainly, if I had not done that, gotten help. I would not be here today.

Post partum depression can hit any time. ANY TIME in the first year. I can't stress enough to not be embarrassed by the stigma. I'm passionate about this because I am HERE to see what I would have missed in my amazing family if I had not gotten help when I did.

Do I still struggle, yes, I do - I have maybe 2 bad days out of 30. Am I still on medication, yes, I am. Am I normal, that's debatable, but I am. I am a daughter of God and loved more than I can imagine by my heavenly Father. I'm learning much about myself. I'm healing - I will be healed at some point, but I've stopped worrying about a date. God is Good.


  1. GREAT post!!! This will help many many women. :) You are an amazing woman, mother and such a dear friend!! You should feel proud of yourself for your progress and for speaking about such a serious issue that affects so many women. :) Love ya!!!

  2. I agree with Kerry. Your experience can help so many women going through exactly what you described. Thanks for being so honest.

  3. You are always in our prayers!! We miss you guys lots it is great to hear that you are trusting in God to lead you through this time. Cant wait until we are back in Canada to hang out again (but its not for a while yet :( )

    Adam & Luba

  4. Thanks for sharing so much of your heart, Tara. We all have so much to learn from each other, I so appreciate you putting yourself out here. In the short time since we've met, I have really come to appreciate you and your outlook on life. Take care, sweets.